HAND TO PLAY

Racing to find this faceless, shapeless thing called happiness

I can barely breathe

Perhaps if I find the right level and combination of preparedness

Happiness and togetherness is something that I can achieve

I kid myself as no amount of preparedness can prepare me for the unknown

Shaking my head as I thought I had grown past this silly quaking

Lean into God. I chastise myself. Haven’t I grown?

Life is never given. There is no script for taking.

May I hold onto something besides God? Something else I can count on not to change?

No. The answer is no.

Must I live in this place all the time now – where I must allow for the chance of familiar and strange?

That has always been the reality. I just didn’t know.

Oh, Abba here I am once again. I am a woman undone laying at Your feet

How could I have felt so big before?

I feel the urge to admit defeat

I have no idea what is in store

Oh my child – you say to me. That is the point

How could you grow in faith without my stretching plan?

Give me your hands so I may anoint

This is not about just you but about God and man

Once you were a child feeding on milk

Put away childish things

As worms can make beautiful things out of silk

Such wonderful life faith brings

Perhaps one day I will lay down my plan

Today. Tomorrow and the next day

It is enough that I am a trembling woman

But it is not my hand to play.

The Here and Now

You are a stranger to me now

Not sure if I forgot you on purpose or if I barely remember you

The rage that you heaped on me I have to shed somehow

With your empty smile and your fake blond hair you just don’t have a clue

Perhaps it is true that the devil is in the details

For you color your world with broad strokes of falsehoods and quiet lies

I can’t make you admit that if there was ever a coffin you provided the nails

I can’t make you live in world with even ground, lows and highs

I can’t grieve a relationship that was never there

I can’t grieve a cause that was never lost

Your rage plus my rage is far too much for me to bear

Fusion of souls comes at far too high a cost

You say come on home

I am already there

I wonder who is seated on your throne

When in the midst of all of your troubles you stop at me and stare

Perhaps my tears will cleanse my soul

But you must find your own God

I’m on a journey to be made whole

Long ago I left the pod

I wish you could have been my sister

Better than the way you knew how

But you didn’t and burns heal after they blister

I’ve got the here and now.

Can't Get There From Here

Forgiveness is an extremely tricky thing. No doubt it is a miracle. In order to forgive a few things have to happen. One, you have to be willing. Two, you have to admit that you are at the end of yourself and you cannot do it alone and thus, God must take over your heart. Three, you have to change your expectations.

Anger is the result of unmet expectations. They may be expectations that are completely well-founded or they may be expectations that are unrealistic. Nonetheless, when expectations do not get met the result is anger. We have to manage this by either changing/letting go of our expectations or somehow getting the behavior to change. Most of the time it is the former.

There have been a lot of unmet expectations in my life. Expecting that people would treat me the way that I think I should be treated. Expecting that people should play certain roles in my life. Expecting that my life should go a certain way.

Pastor Heather spoke about living in the world of "If not" today and really challenged me to let go of my expectations - of people and of God. Sometimes circumstances just suck. Sometimes things don't go the way that I think that they should. Sometimes people hurt the powerless. That's life. I am not saying it is ok, but it is life.

I can't live the rest of my life hanging onto this anger that I have at people in my life that hurt me as a child or having these ideas of how my life should be lived or played out. Thus, I have to change my expectations.

I have to let go of the idea that my sister should have been a role model for me and protected me. I need to let go of the idea of what my childhood should have looked like. I need to let go of who my parents should have been. And then I need to invite God to fill in the holes. Fill in the holes of what "should have been" with healing for what actually was, and with vision for what could be. Need Him to replace the pain with His will for my life. Need Him to be my everything.

These are hard lessons to learn.

My friend used this phrasing to illustrate a point to me once "you can't get there from here." I was struggling to make something happen that only God could do and she told me "you can't get there from here. It's impossible - there is no road. Only God can do it."

It is the same with forgiveness. Only with God can we get there from here.

May I?

May I be liberated by my love for you?

This life I choose does not make sense. Often even I am confused.

You gave your life for me. A deed in lieu

And then let me decide whether or not it was used.

Oh how magnificent. How amazing. How divine

How I wrestle with and at the same time bask in your grace

How wonderful that I am yours and you are mine

Too beautiful for me to behold your face

May I cling to you when I am unsure?

When I am afraid and timid when walking on this path?

When I am not sure how much more I can endure?

May I cling to you when faced with your perfect wrath?

Am I your daughter in times of jubilation and in times of tears?

May I call myself part of your untarnished family?

May I never outgrow You in stature or in years?

May I love you without fear, without judgement, without reserve, absolutely?

Will you call me beloved and hold me in your heart and hand?

Yes you will. You will.

Will you keep all of your promises and tell me you understand?

I am sure of it. You will.

May I move forward without looking back, knowing that you are sovereign God?

I can. I will

I think a prior version of me would think me rather odd

Still. I will.

Today for Me, Tomorrow For You?

You may (or may not) recognize that line from one of the best Broadway productions of all time.

For me, it sort of sums up what God has been teaching me more intensely the last couple of months.
I feel like, before I loved God - I was completely absorbed in planning my life out in order to capitalize on what would make life most enjoyable, beneficial and lucrative for me. I based my studies on this, did my job search based on this, made my friends based on this, and dated based on this - this concept of self-fulfillment. Oh, that job might be fulfilling but doesn't pay? No, thanks. That course of study doesn't fit into my 15 year plan? X. That man isn't good on paper? Definitely not marriage material.

The more that God saturates my life..........the more that I learn that it's really just not about me at all.
Now this may seem really dramatic and I should state for the record that these are lessons that I have been learning over and over - for years. I just feel like God has been really teaching me lately that I really do not have the license to make plans at all because it all belongs to Him.

This concept really simplifies my life on one hand - all that I am responsible for is being obedient and living in the moment. On the other hand it really freaks me out. There is no more tangible paradigm by which to define myself. No longer am I allowed to sink my identity into my career....my education........my friends.........just Him.

It's a great place to be.

So no more "Today for me.........maybe tomorrow for You." Today for You. Tomorrow for You. And everything for You.

VOWS

It’s as if my brain is on default plan mode

I made so many plans and tucked them away in my heart

Not even silly plans – I thought good plans and just continued to walk down the road

This is where Abba shows me the difference between contrived and art

Love to know what feels safe. Love to go down the road more traveled

Yet still yearning for intimacy and adventure and great mountains to climb

Always so frustrated and at the same time amused to watch my carefully detailed plans be completely unraveled

HE knows what is best. He knows the place. He knows the time.

Today marks a new day. Of redemption. Of healing. Of health. And of decision.

All my life. All the time. Whatever that may mean or call.

Lord all of my years of dedicated learning are absolutely nothing compared to Your size and wisdom

Humbly to my knees today I fall

My vows to You – my marriage – through it all I take You first and everything else after

My vows to You this day of redemption

My vows to You include the decimation of my plan and I promise to adjust to Your laughter

In You there is no condemnation

Day by day. Minute by minute. Living life in raw dependence on You

I know there is no sweeter place to be

From this day forth, Abba, may it be true

That we are married. You and me.

Whether This, Whether That

"Therefore my brothers and sister .... stand firm in the Lord this way!
... I have learned to be content in any circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in wait. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."
(Philippians 4).

It's been a long week. Rather, a long month. Sometimes the hits just keep on coming and my first reaction is "how could I live life better? How could I be a better version of myself? Maybe then my bank account wouldn't bounce, I wouldn't experience emotional pain, and my life would be blissfully without worry or pinch."
Well, that's crap.
Truth is, no matter how well I play it and how well-prepared I am sometimes unexpected expenses just blow out my bank account and I couldn't have done a better job. Or, I have to learn a lesson of emotional depth and tears are sometimes just a part of relationship. Sometimes, often times, being a three-dimensional person means living a three-dimensional life.
So when I get done whining and spinning and trying to intellectualize it and finally just sit down in front of God, He reminds me of Paul.
Paul was an interesting character, wasn't he? He didn't seem to take the time to navel-gaze and worry about how all of the terrible things that were happening to him were going to affect him. He wrote to encourage the Corinthians and the Philippians. Now, I don't pretend to be a Biblical scholar or be able to pull it all into context but if this guy could focus on the church while he was imprisoned he is pretty cool in my book.
And he speaks to me on a day like today. A day when my entire life feels like a logistical nightmare....and says "I have had much and I have had little and you know what? Either way it doesn't matter."

Whether this, or whether that.

Whether rich or poor. Whether educated or not. Whether employed or not. The point is that the foundation is not "whether this or whether that." The foundation is God.
It is so simple.
Ok -I'm not saying that I do this well. In fact, today I feel like a faith loser. I freaked out over something manageable by people. What if I had been faced by something manageable by only God?

 But, I can always go back to Philippians 4 and know where the truth lies.

The truth lies in God. Not "whether this or whether that."
Breathe out. Good thing, huh?

Beauty For Ashes

Often I wonder what is my place in God's plan. Not because I am trying to be complex or esoteric but because I find His ways so opposite of my ways........and then I remember that it's not a matter of figuring it out so much as in being patient and obedient. This is so hard. Being patient and obedient requires me to sit still and wait - to trust that His silence is better than all of my talking. To trust that His apparent lack of action is better than any of my silly plans.

In times of uncertainty and discomfort I have to remember that He promised me so many things - and He doesn't break promises. He just doesn't.
He promised me freedom from fear. He promised me that He would never leave.
And He promised me Beauty for Ashes.



There must  be more space in God's plan
More space than I have imagined
I have made room in my life to be saturated by both God and man
So long to one corner I have been pinned.

Longing for redemption through vengeance
Perhaps, just perhaps, beauty for ashes is the way
How can I possibly go back to change past circumstance
It is no longer my price to pay

You say that You want to excavate my heart
And make beauty where ashes used to lie
Is it necessary to tear my flesh apart?
So that the way I used to feel can die?

What does redemption look like in Your eyes?
My heart be beautiful to You?
To do away with a lifetime of lies?
In order to learn about what is true?

Lord I am so tired of carrying around a bag filled with ashes
Far too weary for my aching body to hold
I know sometimes I learn in the lines and dashes
Lord I am meek today so please be bold

Isaiah 61:3

Tearing Me Apart

I act like it is all about me versus you, good versus evil

Victim versus Perpetrator

It’s just not that simple

If life were that easy I wouldn’t be haunted, I wouldn’t struggle, wouldn’t wish for any other time instead of now……..later God, later!

Inextricably linked for my entire life. Side by side in emotional bondage, in sexual commonality, in shared pain

If I am  free where does that leave you?

And where do I go from here? Who am I without this crimson stain?

What if I actually believe that the lies are not true?

It is not as easy as me versus you

If I leave you and let you go I have to look at myself as well

It’s not as easy as what I am supposed to do

It’s what I am being called to let go of – not anything priced out, nothing left to sell

My Abba says priceless and I argue tainted and shamed

Being truthful about self-loathing is part of the process?

My Abba says free and I argue ugly and chained

I never wanted to look at this stuff again and yet here it is in my face – just asking for release and progress

The reality is that it has already been claimed and no longer belongs to me

Why do I hold on to it with such fierceness and tenacity?

Abba You ask me to be somebody that maybe I don’t want to be

You ask me to keep walking when I don’t have clarity

Obedience without having any idea what is next

And valuing my privacy You ask me to be transparent with a bleeding heart

You ask me to be blunt when I want to live in subtext

Oh, Abba………you are tearing me apart.