ALL MY LOVE, ABBA. FOR YOU

Eyes are sparkling. Head is spinning. The leaves are a lovely shade of orange of brown and suddenly I notice the earth.

How long have I been living in this place? How long has joy been in my soul?

It’s been quite awhile and when I slow down I see that peace has found a place where I used to wonder what I am worth

I find that it doesn’t really matter anymore once I relinquish control.

For you, Abba, have stolen my heart. I write a love song to you with my eyes and my spirit and my soul

My feet dance a love song to you.

Perhaps I don’t know the steps to walk that make a person whole

But there is something so simple in the way that I love You.

I sing a song of grace and forgiveness and everlasting comfort in Your arms

It is to YOU I run when I have lost my way, when things don’t make sense, when I know that there is something new to learn

With you there is no artfulness, no pretensions, no charms

You are the first resort, the last resort, the path of most resistance, never leaving me, a place I can always turn

Never, ever, ever a Father like you.

You carry my life in your hands and still your hand is small enough to wipe away my tears

You share your perspective yet understand my point of view

You never judge me for my fears.

For you, Abba. For you. All my love, Abba. For you.

YOU CALL ME BEAUTIFUL

I can see the ocean and the crest of the waves is the state of my mind

Peaking, frothing, moving, yearning, ready to crash, ready to move forward

What beautiful things do YOU create when you take the ax to the grind?

Abba – where am I right now and what am I moving toward

To say good bye to you is so bittersweet. I’ve said it a million times

I don’t want you in my life yet is there something real to which my love attaches?

It’s so hard to tell what seems to go together and what actually rhymes

Remembering that just because it once seemed true doesn’t mean it still matches

Letting You heal me of my shame, Abba – is so, so hard

I don’t even want to let you look at it

I would much rather sweep it under and disregard

And let my life be monochromatic

The crest rises and falls and breaks on the sand

And I am still walking along the beach not often breaking stride but calling out to YOU to draw near to me

Sometimes I don’t know if I am in the water or if I am on dry land

So many times I wish I could see what YOU see

And YOU call me beautiful

When it hurts. When it is joyful. When I am outwardly presentable and when I am outwardly in shambles

You call me beautiful

When I am inwardly ready to cave in and I reach to YOU to provide me with the rope of last resort and I am cut up and down from wandering in the rambles

You say that I am beautiful

From the shining of my soul to the light that YOU have put in my eyes YOU call me YOUR much beloved, beautiful, beautiful daughter

YOU call me beautiful no matter what the circumstances

Because when I am sinking You are treading water

Theodicy in Parentheses

How sad God was, 
and dare I say, resigned.

Wind fell. Sand fell,

and the blue night, 
an absent shade now,

a broken memory of sky.

His fingers sank through clay 
and clay rose, 

folding over like a tide.

This is called giving 
up, or it is called love.

He spat on his hands, 
cleaned them, called 

a boy alto from a distant cloud, 
newly dead, 

someone to hear his defense 
and sing it back.

FALSE PLEDGES

I lost my dream the moment I looked into your eyes

Everybody wants to belong to something and I wanted to belong to you and you

I thought perhaps that you were older and I was less than wise

I didn’t want to look past the irony in order to see what is true

I should have seen long ago that the fake smiles and the hidden feelings do not serve a purpose

We will never again be able to hide behind what once was

For the rest of my life I am a whole human being – me and not us

I know there seems to be a lot of “why” and not a whole lot of “because”

You are my family. You are the cocoon in which I should fit and yet I don’t belong

Tears stream down my face as I am being asked to let go of Christmas and Thanksgiving, birthdays and reunions

I have to find a new paradigm, a new place to call home

It’s both that I choose not your manipulation and I no longer have the constitution

What if you would not have chosen the path of least resistance?

Perhaps you would have found it more rewarding than sitting in your filth?

Forgiveness is so difficult when I am hurt at your insistence

The flower that you cultivated – long ago began to wilt

The end of this game is near – soon I will have learned this lesson for good

And HIS truth will reign beyond all subversive sharp edges

Perhaps I never really understood

Why I still love you in spite of all of your false pledges.

WONDERING

Wondering if You can see the same stars that I can see

Wondering what You see when You pierce my soul

Uncertain if there is reality between You and me

Wondering if I even noticed when I became whole

You took my heart in Your hands and Your breathed on it and made it Your own

I can’t believe that I am here from where I began

I stand in awe at the beauty of Your throne

I trade my life for the miracle of Your plan

Wondering at the way that You treasure me and hold me in such high regard

I long to see myself in Your esteem

I have such a story to tell but I wonder if I am a bard

Sometimes I wonder if Your grace is a dream

Wondering, wondering, wondering – You are so far beyond my comprehension

So big beyond my eyes and so complex beyond my fumbling words

You took my life and led me in a new direction

Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy and You are absurd

Wondering what my life means outside my definitions and resting in only Your amorphous paradigm

Forging a path for my life that means only following the lamp and not my intuition

Throwing out the old to make room for new wine

May I always be prepared to accept your peace and restoration.

I AM WHO I AM

Oh Abba – I cannot rest. I struggle with the call you have placed on my life
I want to be your servant, your child – I am just at the end of myself with strife
Why do I doubt You? What makes me think that You are cruel and lying?

My heart is beating and my head is pounding and my eyes are crying

Part of me is terrified because I know that I know that you speak the truth
Part of me believes that when I ask for bread You will hand me a snake
Yet I continue to walk in Your footsteps and I echo the words of Ruth
Whatever You want to give I want to take

Abba I am so confused and I am so scared and I feel like I just feel from a great distance into the sea
And You are the only way by which I can swim
Let it be well with my soul, Abba, let me give up my life completely unto thee
Wash me clean of my wickedness, of my sin

Abba, I am so exhausted yet I cannot rest
I need YOU so badly – there is none but you
My body, mind and spirit have been put to the test
I find that failure is the right answer – desperate need of my Abba is seeking what is true

Abba, Abba, Abba please save me from my misery
Bring me joy that can only be found from your perfect plan
Illuminate this mystery
There is no burning bush for me – just I AM WHO IAM

FASTEN MY EYES TO THE BEAUTY OF YOUR THROWN

I thought that I could turn around at any moment

And I thought that I could turn the big world back into small when I wanted

I really thought that for awhile I was just on an adventure and playing pretend

If I have ever been this frightened before I can’t remember it…perhaps there never is a time when you can walk away undaunted

So much less romantic than I thought it would be.

 I have gained so much substance yet lost so much frill to cover my pain.

Who am I and what on earth do You want me to see?

Trying to hold on to who I used to be is driving me insane

Abba – it’s so hard for me to say this but please keep my eyes on You

Keep making me Your own

When my hands are tied and I am bound by Your whisper there is nothing I can do

Please fasten my eyes to the beauty of Your thrown.

TO GUARD MY HEART FOR MY OWN SAKE

I would like to pretend that you just hated me

But that would make it too simple, too linear, I would have to ignore the complexities of your heart

Wouldn’t it just be easier if it were all about me?

Oh, I just wasn’t good enough, I was manipulative, my sexuality tore us apart

No, no, no I have to see past the lies that put the story into little boxes in my mind

And look at the truth that forces the dormant tears from my eyes

Ten additional years of the same types of games put you in quite the emotional bind

You were oh, so good at the half-truths and the half-lies

Is it possible that you loved me and at the same time refused me?

Can I wrap my mind around darts unintentionally thrown?

Was I asking you to be someone that you just couldn’t be?

Are you far too timid to make a relationship your own?

With whom are you cheating now?

Tell me, Damnit! Tell me – what is your status on emotional fidelity?

I know you like to pretend that we were just a beer and never a vow

But did you ever take a single moment – even a second – to stare at reality?

Sometimes you make me feel so sad and sometimes so bitter

Most of the time I wonder if you just continually hide behind your charm and every have any idea of hurricane called YOU and the wreckage of stupid women in its wake

Whatever your intentions I am so incredibly sick of picking up your discarded emotional litter

It’s time to guard my heart for my own sake.

PHOTOGRAPHING EVERYTHING, SEEING NOTHIGN

How is it that you photograph everything and yet see nothing?

How does a child get lost in a crowd when there is no crowd?

How can you blame me for having an empty hand when you gave me nothing to bring?

How can you turn a deaf ear when I scream so loud?

You filmed for hours yet when I looked the tape was blank

Just like the look in your eyes

What can I possibly take to the bank

When you give me a snake for my cries?

A child knows nothing about his or her worth

Until you tell him so

A child is defined by love at birth

At that is all he or she will know

How can you deprive a child of something so simple as your heart?

Now when you look at me, do you love me even now?

Don’t you know you have the power to rip a child apart?

You can never return to childhood once you have taken a blow

Worthless, stupid, doe-eyed kid without guile

Emotional whip, sexual toy

Do what you want and the hell with morale

No value for this little girl or little boy

Where is the rage? Who cries for us?

Who stands up and says that this cannot continue?

At what point does minus turn into a plus?

And what the hell are we supposed to do?

When do you stop photographing everything and seeing nothing

Through what lens are you looking?

See something! Do something! Be somebody! Is there a time and a place to end suffering?

Give a voice to one who is desperately seeking