To Lose

To lose you is to grieve you

Elastic drama pulls at my waist

The hype and the memory pulls me closer yet further from what is true

I can hear you but I cannot see your face

How many times have I grieved you- wishing that you are somebody that you will never be?

Wishing that you would put me first

To love me?

Out of the overflow of your heart to still look at me when I am at my worst?

Your promises falter and my anger rises

I am no longer a child

I cannot hedge these bets – no more ups and downs and surprises

Your malice is not mild

To lose you is rather, to simply let you go

And stop wishing on a star

Oh how many places I wish I could go

To avoid facing who you are

To lose you is to speak truth

To stop pretending life isn’t real

To look fully in the face of my youth

To stop avoiding how I feel

To lose you is to sob and to understand

That it is not the end of it all

My Abba has something more rich and more amazing for me planned

He heals so I can be ready for His call.

Transitions.

Perhaps the tide has turned
It is time to move forward and I am not sure why
Part of my heart is grieved and I do not know what I have earned
Not sure what makes me want to cry

It always hurts to cut ties with take-backs
No more take-backs. No more wishing on a star
No more blaming others for what I lack
I am who I am simply because of who YOU are

Moving forward is so scary when you don't know what is ahead
Living in the moment I find joy and rest
I can only walk as far as YOU have led
I can only pray for YOUR best

Perhaps the moon is closer and the stars are brighter now
Or perhaps the difference is in my eyes
I'll open up as much as my heart will allow
To see where tenderness lies

Lord, Abba, my Maker, my Healer, my Redeemer, my Friend
Where is the sunrise without Your grace?
Straight, crooked, beginning, end
May YOUR face shine right through my face

Today is a New Day, Eh?

I was blessed to be in a room of leaders this week. A room of trailblazers and of extremely brave people. These people caused me to reflect, to take a look at my own life, to emote, to grieve, and to hope and pray that I can be a little more like Christ as a result.

My church hosted a seminar this week called "Grace, Truth, and Homosexuality." During this seminar there were a panel of people from my church who talked about their journey dealing with homosexuality. The people on the panel were people who are friends of mine, people that I know very little, and people that I don't know at all.

I must say that I am extremely proud of my church. One, for have the decency, the forethought and the faith to open up a dialogue about this issue. Two (the leaders) for having the humility to say that they don't have the answers, they understand that this is a messy issue, and that the larger and more important issue is about loving Christ, not about pointing about faults in one another.

The panelists told their stories and I was absolutely riveted. There is just so much that, uneducated, we are left to assume. I feel like the blessing that the panelists bestowed on us was telling us the truth about homosexuality. They told us the truth about their stories, their backgrounds, their issues. They were transparent and vulnerable and that is what made it so powerful.

Something that grieved me incredibly is that they all expressed how terrified they were to talk about homosexuality in the context of church and small group relationship among their Christian friends - which in theory is the last place that they should be rejected. This only reinforces the idea that we should be lovers and accepting of the broken because that is what we all are and we all deal with something or another. How is one struggle so different or merit some sort of different type of treatment? It doesn't. The church has for so long failed at accepting things with which it is uncomfortable but I believe the tide is changing and a precedent has been set.

I found myself touched and grieved looking at my own life not just because what the panelists said was so incredibly relevant to us as a culture, but because it is so incredibly relevant to me as a person. As a person who has experienced relational and sexual brokenness as a result of abuse and gone through the same types of identity and connectedness struggles expressed by members of the panel, I was really struck by how these types of brokenness tend to stem from the same types of issues. Identity or lack thereof. A desperate need to be recognized by a parent or both parents. A desperate need for connection. Growing into adulthood and sexualizing those needs. I have been there. How many others have been there? How many others are there now?

I don't know what comes next, but I do know that this is only the beginning. There are other issues on the 'do not read' list that need to be open to dialogue. For example - when I was going through my journey of recovery I would have loved to have somebody be open and vulnerable about their journey with sexual abuse. What other issues can we strip of fear and shame and allow God to set people free?

Today is a new day, eh?

Don’t Worry Too Much

 Sometimes change whispers in through the subtleties

Before you know it you’re already there – that place you were merely looking forward to before

I thought I stopped making a script a long time ago yet I still rely on the timing of the tide and the crashing of the seas

Part of me still would really like to know ahead of time what is in store

Stepping forward without a plan – exhilarated and free and at the same time my breath caught

No take backs, no looking back

What if it be all for naught?

My heart I beat and my brain I rack

Looking for answers and remembering old dreams

Remember when I had a plan? A terrible plan, but a plan

Faith is hard – it is difficult to move forward without asking “why” or knowing what it means

It’s difficult to just let it go that God is bigger than woman

But I know – I know that God is real and His purpose is true

I know it. I know it and I’ve seen it before

And His best is for me no matter what I do

Whether I go into the ocean or stay on the shore

I know that He sees me and I know that He treasures my heart

I know how He loves me so much

I know that He adored me from the very start

So I guess I shouldn’t worry too much.