My First Love

Head held high, chin thrust
Angry eyes smoldering
Rationalize what I think is fair and just
Take in what I think is worth holding

I hold his deceit close to my heart
As if he speaks truth about who I am
It take me a bit to circle back and restart
Remember that I am beloved...chosen...a part of YOUR plan

Wrestling with the conflicting parts of my souls choice
Not sure which side of me seeks out gain
I struggle to discern what I think is YOUR voice
And in the interim pas de bouree in the rain

Clearing a path for the path of least resistance is not a hard task
But clearing a path for the road of return on investment takes concerted effort
To be by my side is not too much to ask
Yet every time I reach for you all I can see is my hurt

I can feel the pain squeeze, drip, drop, deep inside my heart
And wonder where it was all of these years
Wonder why You must tear me apart
Reduce me to agonizing tears?

Intimacy belongs to You and You are my first love
You pick apart my heart to build it back around You
You see inside me a vast treasure trove
I see colors of a different hue

Lovely, lovely, lovely is the common refrain
And I fight with adjectives of my own
But You continue to advance far past my pain
And admire how much your child has grown.

Moving Along

Broken heart, broken soul, broken mind

I weep desperately to find solace in Your soul

You tell me to seek and you will find

When I am in this desperate place only You can make me whole

I long for You like I'm parched in need of water

I can't drink from man's well

When others want to lead me to slaughter

I buy what only You can sell

Broken body in need of redemption

In need of redemption in every way

Even in the best of circumstances I find myself a woman in need of correction

So I can learn to live for today

Search me and find me deserving of Your divine mentoring

Disciple me with Your wisdom, gentleness, and grace

Sometimes I find that what I'm seeking I'm not finding

But I always find what I need when I am looking at Your face

Holy, Beloved Savior reach deep into my heart

And see the parts that I don't even want to show

Perhaps grace is a good place to start

You love me even when I have to learn lessons that I already know

You are faithful to restore what the locusts have eaten

And I see Your mighty hand all around

Among the hurting, downtrodden and beaten

Your trumpet blows a mighty sound

Be victorious in my life and find my heart to be true

Aligned with Your spirit and Your song

Let You love in my life be the glue

To keep my feet moving along

Waste Not My Heart

Wouldn't it be easier if I could change you into the man I need you to be?
I wouldn't have to adust my thoughts and expectations or look at my pain
I wouldn't have to count backwards from three
I wouldn't have to stand outside in the pouring rain

I don't trust my instincts but neither do I trust you
And I'm not too sure about God either
I would love to move forward but really I have no idea how to pull through
The colors in my eyes have changed again and I can't stop long enough to take a breather

My heart will absolutely break waiting for you to prove me wrong
Yet at the same I time refuse to give you a chance
I'll sing the melody and the harmony to this same old song
My heart will die waiting for romance

Do you expect me to be more lovely and more temperate?
You may find me more cynical and less willing to believe
I'll sacrifice myself on the alter of those who are desperate
I'll stand for those who are unable to conceive

So I want you to be you to be the man that I need you to be
Even if that is not who you are
I feel inflexible and scared and unwilling to see
That you will never be more than subpar

In all of the chaos, in all of the noise
In my deepest desires I want to love you
It is probably true that if I had a choice
I would eventually choose to believe what is true

Abba, I think I am a hopeless case - a hopeless case and a wanderlust soul
I throw my heart to the wolves
Protect me, engage me, and make me whole
Waste not my heart to a fool