The Great Divide

I see You coming and I run the other way
I hide from the truths You want to write on the other side of my heart
When You look at me and ask me where I have been I just don't know what to say

Where can I hide from You? Where can I run where I don't hear the promptings in Your voice?
You push me to the very last edge of myself
I would love to believe that in these things my heart hasn't already made its choice
But long ago I said goodbye to that kind of wealth

My head hurts trying to figure out the details of Your master plan
And I can't. It doesn't make sense. It never makes sense!
Sometimes people look at me strangely and it causes me to wonder who I am
Somehow I think it was easier just riding the fence

I find myself more consumed with You and less directed by what my plan was
Yet I know one day soon I will wake up and find myself in awe of You and wondering once again how I ever felt like I knew You before
I guess that is just what God does
When you push away your boat from the shore

Obedience means saying yes even when it puts me in an awkward place
Walking forward without removing the blindfold from my eyes
Maybe risking embarrassment. Vulnerability. Exposure. Grace?
Inviting in the kind of access to my heart I sometimes despise.

Your dogged perseverance in my life has not gone unnoticed
I am overwhelmed by Your pursuit of me
Sometimes I get so frustrated, I am afraid I have missed
The point of Your serenity

Laying down, laying down, laying down and surrender
I'm not sure if it ever comes naturally
Perhaps one day, Abba Father, I will be overcome
By the bond that exists between You and me.

You are Mine and I am Thine

Reaching deep into that part of my soul that has long been covered by fear, anger and angst
Pop. Pound. Shiver. Speak. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. I'll hurt myself before you hurt me.
You tell me that I can have rest if I only gaze upon Your face
I can't seem to have faith in what I see

I can't live like this any longer - constantly fearful for the state of my heart
Constantly trying to manipulate, control, assume, imagine, and writhe beneath the unknown
Perhaps today I can let you in, capture my thoughts, have a new start
And You will be proud to see how much I have grown

Abba YOU are the author and the creator of my soul
How can I love You so much yet believe that You will hand me snakes?
Lay waste to my heart. Bear naked my soul. Pick out my seams. Make me whole.
Do whatever it takes.

I stare into the grand face of the great unknown
In every other area and most of the time I smile with glee
Yet, when it comes to my heart I want to see only the seeds that I am sown
I don't want anything that I can't see

Abba, forgive my short-sighted eyes and my faithless mind
Remove the hindrances that keep me far from You
I know You are faithful. You are true. You are wise. You are kind
It's me that just doesn't have a clue

Love me, Abba, with a love so fierce it removes my inward gaze
So I can love You and Yours
You are mine and I am thine and I want to see Your face through my selfish haze
Lord, let me walk through those doors.

My First Love

Head held high, chin thrust
Angry eyes smoldering
Rationalize what I think is fair and just
Take in what I think is worth holding

I hold his deceit close to my heart
As if he speaks truth about who I am
It take me a bit to circle back and restart
Remember that I am beloved...chosen...a part of YOUR plan

Wrestling with the conflicting parts of my souls choice
Not sure which side of me seeks out gain
I struggle to discern what I think is YOUR voice
And in the interim pas de bouree in the rain

Clearing a path for the path of least resistance is not a hard task
But clearing a path for the road of return on investment takes concerted effort
To be by my side is not too much to ask
Yet every time I reach for you all I can see is my hurt

I can feel the pain squeeze, drip, drop, deep inside my heart
And wonder where it was all of these years
Wonder why You must tear me apart
Reduce me to agonizing tears?

Intimacy belongs to You and You are my first love
You pick apart my heart to build it back around You
You see inside me a vast treasure trove
I see colors of a different hue

Lovely, lovely, lovely is the common refrain
And I fight with adjectives of my own
But You continue to advance far past my pain
And admire how much your child has grown.

Moving Along

Broken heart, broken soul, broken mind

I weep desperately to find solace in Your soul

You tell me to seek and you will find

When I am in this desperate place only You can make me whole

I long for You like I'm parched in need of water

I can't drink from man's well

When others want to lead me to slaughter

I buy what only You can sell

Broken body in need of redemption

In need of redemption in every way

Even in the best of circumstances I find myself a woman in need of correction

So I can learn to live for today

Search me and find me deserving of Your divine mentoring

Disciple me with Your wisdom, gentleness, and grace

Sometimes I find that what I'm seeking I'm not finding

But I always find what I need when I am looking at Your face

Holy, Beloved Savior reach deep into my heart

And see the parts that I don't even want to show

Perhaps grace is a good place to start

You love me even when I have to learn lessons that I already know

You are faithful to restore what the locusts have eaten

And I see Your mighty hand all around

Among the hurting, downtrodden and beaten

Your trumpet blows a mighty sound

Be victorious in my life and find my heart to be true

Aligned with Your spirit and Your song

Let You love in my life be the glue

To keep my feet moving along

Waste Not My Heart

Wouldn't it be easier if I could change you into the man I need you to be?
I wouldn't have to adust my thoughts and expectations or look at my pain
I wouldn't have to count backwards from three
I wouldn't have to stand outside in the pouring rain

I don't trust my instincts but neither do I trust you
And I'm not too sure about God either
I would love to move forward but really I have no idea how to pull through
The colors in my eyes have changed again and I can't stop long enough to take a breather

My heart will absolutely break waiting for you to prove me wrong
Yet at the same I time refuse to give you a chance
I'll sing the melody and the harmony to this same old song
My heart will die waiting for romance

Do you expect me to be more lovely and more temperate?
You may find me more cynical and less willing to believe
I'll sacrifice myself on the alter of those who are desperate
I'll stand for those who are unable to conceive

So I want you to be you to be the man that I need you to be
Even if that is not who you are
I feel inflexible and scared and unwilling to see
That you will never be more than subpar

In all of the chaos, in all of the noise
In my deepest desires I want to love you
It is probably true that if I had a choice
I would eventually choose to believe what is true

Abba, I think I am a hopeless case - a hopeless case and a wanderlust soul
I throw my heart to the wolves
Protect me, engage me, and make me whole
Waste not my heart to a fool

Heart Attached to Body

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

My heart is attached to my body

I wish it were not

I wish I could separate. I wish I could breathe. I wish I felt differently - solid and not wishy washy

It would be different if I were sure and not caught

My heart is attached and I cannot run free

I can not disengage from my soul

Perhaps this is how it is really supposed to be

Supposed this is how it feels to be whole

For so long my heart was not attached to my body - it belonged to the bitterness of experience

Today is not that day

How does one move to the glorious from the nefarious?

From the land of play or pay?

My heart is now attached to my body and the directive is to open my heart

What will you do when lay down my arms?

When you see in my eyes that I am struggling against my soul

Or will you try to run over me with your charms?

Is it possible for me to jump off the beaten path

That I have been following for my entire life?

May I make a trade for love in exchange for my wrath?

Take and orchid for my knife?

Will you protect my heart in my moment of weakness

If just for a moment I let my walls come down?

If I choose truth and rest

Is it possible that you will stick around?

What Colors, What Hue

Walking forward and ahead
First instinct may not be correct
You say come to Me and I'll carry your burden instead
My yoke is easy and my intentions are never suspect

Making a decision to cut off the demons of my past
you may no longer walk next to me and feed me lies
Sometimes the connections forged so fast
Can be the longest lasting goodbyes

You say I know you and treasure you from the inside out
Why on earth would I choose lust over love
May I stand on Your promises even when my soul is wracked with doubt?
With Your mighty hand will You trace my tattoo of a dove?

May I find sanctuary in Your holy presence?
This world whirls around me at a frenzied, histrionic pace
When things are moving and just don't make sense
Lord all I want to see is Your face

Just root my heart in all that is You
So I can find a solid place to call home
I have no idea what is next - what colors You will paint my life - not even what hue
But I cling desperately to Your Throne

Take My World Apart

At some point I must make a choice - either my fist comes unclenched or I completely fall apart
I have been so tightly, so tightly, so tightly holding on to control of this for so long I'm not sure that my fingers can let go
I want to believe that by Your scars and by Your stripes my life is marked
But when I look at the way that I live my life is it really so?

You ask me to stand on Your promises - and Yet my default button leads back to rumination, worry and control
So invested in self-protection and staying two steps ahead of the game
What if the game is already behind me and I have already been made whole?
What if I am no longer the same?

I thought I was so far beyond this silliness and yet I find myself doing the same dance
I am furious at myself and You tap me on the shoulder
Still human. Still learning. Still my Child - You say and remind me that I am not defined by circumstance
You remind me that it was never the Centurions that removed the boulder

Oh stupid, foolish pride. Take my world apart and show me something beyond my conventional wisdom and pieced-together logic
Based on experience is so limited compared to Your master view
Far too much has happened between there and here to wax nostalgic
Yet it's not like I can pretend I am brand new

I am so intense and I am not sure I know how to operate any other way
I run hot and live in the land of fierce heartbeat
So how does that translate if You ask me to live only for today?
To consume only what You have given me today to eat?

You completely and utterly turn my world upside down on a regular basis
And then You ask me to be rooted and identified in You and You alone
I ask You to guide me to this peaceful and beautiful oasis
And then expect You to be proud of how much I have grown

Oh Lord - I am a woman undone. I am so incredibly undone
And I am still human one hundred percent of the time
I used to think that life was about something to be won
Now I know that life is about learning to be Thine

SO make me Thine. I don't know how or what to do
But my present attitude of entitlement must die
I feel like I just don't have a clue
But I do know enough to know that feelings don't determine much and You hear me when I cry

Lord today I cry - and every day after today
To take everything in me and make it Yours
I no longer want to participate in my own personal foray
I want to walk through open doors

Abba - I can not live in constant battle with You for control over my life
I can't argue. I can't use my energy to fight
Whatever may be the root of my strife
Oh I beg You please find it and turn it into light.

THE POWER TO FORGIVE

Today is a brand new day, today is just beginning

I can barely breathe

I’m not really sure what is going on but I can tell that You are winning

Lord send me and a new dream you will weave

Perhaps a different woman woke up today, perhaps something was born out of great pain

Perhaps light breaks forth from darkness

Today I feel like I have everything to gain

If I could only find a quiet place to rest

Life can change in just an instant so why not go all in – no reservations, no holding back – no take-backs

Lord, my name is tattooed on Your heart

I am standing here and for the first time I have no plan of attack

I don’t have a place to end and I don’t have a place to start

You know the first and the last and You have the answers to the prayers I didn’t dare utter with my whispered breath

You see to the deepest core of my being

You forge my path from here to there – You define height and depth

Yet sometimes I doubt the words I sing

I can only be human one hundred percent of the time

That is all I have to give

I’m so thankful that you have rhythm and rhyme

And you have the power to forgive.

Strategy, Plan, Beauty, Art

No longer any clue as to up from down and perhaps that is ok

Maybe I am not meant to have such a tight grip on the way that things ‘ought to be.’

I used to believe certain things about my life, about myself, about the way that my heart looks and I used to swallow the ugly things that you would say

I used to identify my worth as though it were up to you and your opinion changed from left to right, from yes to no, oh so fleetingly

I would like to believe that I have come so far, that I am a warrior and that I have pulled myself out of despair and destitution by my bootstraps

But in reality I have been saved by grace and by a Savior

I am humbled and tearful as I understand in a new way that my heart would still be marred and devastated with holes and gaps

If not for YOU I would be completely dependent on my exterior

Passionately I advocate for those who are in danger of, or may have already gone through what I went through

Wonder if I am running in circles against the height and breadth of what is not just an issue but a vast system and network of darkness

I can’t fix it and what is it that I am to do?

Is there peace to be found where there is endless potential to be restless?

YOU oh Lord see the heart of every child, girl, boy, woman, and man who is part of this broken system

YOU know the pain that sears

YOU are the King of wisdom

And with YOUR gentle hand you wipe away the unseen tears

I beg of you to see what we can’t see and have grace on our paltry efforts

Have mercy on YOUR children whom YOU love

This journey is long and the road is hard and sometimes it just really hurts

May we be both the serpent and the dove?

Passion that burns in the hearts of those who love YOU- let it burn with YOUR purpose and YOUR plan

Let us be YOUR hands and feet and eyes and heart

We know that YOU are both spirit and man

And Lord – praise you. You are strategy and plan the same way that you are beauty and art.

Soil Forever Tilled

To move in step with You I must abandon myself

And I can no longer see myself through my eyes

I can barely recall why I used to regard my plan with such esteem, why I used to try to circumvent Your plan with such stealth

Why did I used to replace Your truth with my silly lies?

I am in such a broken place and I need Your utterance

I need You to speak on my behalf

There is a difference between yearning for what I want and just yearning for You: I am learning that there is no such thing as contingencies and there is no such thing as clairvoyance

Makes me wonder how many times in one calendar day I make You laugh

I used to think that purpose was so nebulous and mission was ill-defined

That my life just really wasn’t that important

I may not be able to do take-backs or push rewind

However, I can speak truth and I can name the elephant

I can follow the sound of Your voice to the ends of the earth

And I will

This life is filled with sorrow and filled with mirth

Yet through the seasons I learn to be still

Surrender is a choice and also a posture to be learned for the rest of days

Funny how I thought it would be a quota filled

Something I will learn in a million ways

A soil forever tilled.

Everybody Had a Breaking Point

Everybody has a breaking point. My breaking point has been about a month in coming.


A relationship with God ebbs and flows through different seasons just like any other relationship. However, the relationship with God adds a different dynamic, because it requires complete surrender. Absolute surrender. Surrender past the point when you didn't think you had anything left to give....and then He asks you to give more. He asks you to do more. He asks you to operate in a space wherein you are no longer using your own strength but you are utterly reliant on Him for your day to day.


Surrender past the point when you think that you are absolutely exhausted and unable to surrender that thing - that thing you can't live without. That vice you can't survive without. That piece of control you thought that you had. Those delusions and illusions. And then He asks you to give them up. 


I find that I am in a period of surrender.......and  I am not the only one. God is doing something interesting and exciting around here. I'm not sure what - but I feel an anticipation that can only be God-breathed and God-activated.


We are doing a churchwide fast starting July 14th. This could not have come at a better time for me. As I have been learning firsthand - thanks to Pastors Heather and Mark and Romans 8 - my humanity is fundamentally at odds with what God is trying to do in my life. I need to fast and pray and hear from God. I think that the practice of fasting and being quiet gives God an opportunity to speak to me in ways that He would not otherwise have in my chaotic, over-committed, loud, and busy life.


Not sure what the take-away is here.......but I do know that there have been many, many times over the past month or so when I have said to myself "What would I do if I didn't have God?" 


Seriously - what would I do if I didn't have God?  Yes - the journey is intense and the surrender is hard, but without Him I would be without purpose, without mission, without vision....and without a host of other things.


So yeah- everybody has a breaking point, but God is there to redeem that brokenness, and I would rather be here than anywhere else.

God Given Zen

Changes whispers through life and before you know it everything looks different

The unknown is ahead and the you don’t recognize what just happened - at some point control was forsaken

Perhaps it never existed…perhaps I thought that fantasy was heaven-sent

Perhaps it is no longer even my choice which road is to be taken

I lay at the foot of the cross and I ask God why

Why did You suffer for me so that I could fight You at every turn of Your perfect plan?

Sometimes I hear beautiful people’s awful stories and it makes me want to cry

Makes me wonder where I can find the justice of Your hand.

Juxtaposed and yet so simple

Is my silly human heart

I fight You and yet I love You so fiercely

Lord, You are dance, You are beauty, You are art

How many times can I lay down my life to submit to You?

Over and over and over again

Learning the same lessons and struggling to discover something new

And rest in Your God-given zen

Letting Go

How do I make peace with the next steps when I thrive in the present day?
Perhaps the wheel turns too quickly and my fear overtakes logic
May I find some peace when I get on my face and pray?
Is there any space to be wishy washy, leery or nostalgic?

Missions aftermath burns me with a passion that will never cease
Today fills me with a joy that burns so bright
When aftermath turns into present is there some sort of release?
Or is there just more burning, more yearning, more purporse- more light?

Perhaps they are one and the same
If today and tomorrow and yesterday belong to God can I let go of one more piece?
Can I let go of knowing? Of my heart? My well being? Of protecting myself? Competing for needs? Release the foray?
Will the struggle end and I let go of my lease?

You ask me, Abba, to stand on truth.
To be honest and forthright and believe you have my best
You painstakingly unclench my fist and tell me to walk away from my youth
That you have a plan for the rest

I will never know lest I jump off the cliff
Dive away from what was
Take what is flexible from what used to be stiff
Because you are God and not just because

Today my heart breaks to grieve what was
So necessary to embrace what is and what may be
Its so amazing to see what God does
Every day I walk forward and I am free

To Lose

To lose you is to grieve you

Elastic drama pulls at my waist

The hype and the memory pulls me closer yet further from what is true

I can hear you but I cannot see your face

How many times have I grieved you- wishing that you are somebody that you will never be?

Wishing that you would put me first

To love me?

Out of the overflow of your heart to still look at me when I am at my worst?

Your promises falter and my anger rises

I am no longer a child

I cannot hedge these bets – no more ups and downs and surprises

Your malice is not mild

To lose you is rather, to simply let you go

And stop wishing on a star

Oh how many places I wish I could go

To avoid facing who you are

To lose you is to speak truth

To stop pretending life isn’t real

To look fully in the face of my youth

To stop avoiding how I feel

To lose you is to sob and to understand

That it is not the end of it all

My Abba has something more rich and more amazing for me planned

He heals so I can be ready for His call.

Transitions.

Perhaps the tide has turned
It is time to move forward and I am not sure why
Part of my heart is grieved and I do not know what I have earned
Not sure what makes me want to cry

It always hurts to cut ties with take-backs
No more take-backs. No more wishing on a star
No more blaming others for what I lack
I am who I am simply because of who YOU are

Moving forward is so scary when you don't know what is ahead
Living in the moment I find joy and rest
I can only walk as far as YOU have led
I can only pray for YOUR best

Perhaps the moon is closer and the stars are brighter now
Or perhaps the difference is in my eyes
I'll open up as much as my heart will allow
To see where tenderness lies

Lord, Abba, my Maker, my Healer, my Redeemer, my Friend
Where is the sunrise without Your grace?
Straight, crooked, beginning, end
May YOUR face shine right through my face

Today is a New Day, Eh?

I was blessed to be in a room of leaders this week. A room of trailblazers and of extremely brave people. These people caused me to reflect, to take a look at my own life, to emote, to grieve, and to hope and pray that I can be a little more like Christ as a result.

My church hosted a seminar this week called "Grace, Truth, and Homosexuality." During this seminar there were a panel of people from my church who talked about their journey dealing with homosexuality. The people on the panel were people who are friends of mine, people that I know very little, and people that I don't know at all.

I must say that I am extremely proud of my church. One, for have the decency, the forethought and the faith to open up a dialogue about this issue. Two (the leaders) for having the humility to say that they don't have the answers, they understand that this is a messy issue, and that the larger and more important issue is about loving Christ, not about pointing about faults in one another.

The panelists told their stories and I was absolutely riveted. There is just so much that, uneducated, we are left to assume. I feel like the blessing that the panelists bestowed on us was telling us the truth about homosexuality. They told us the truth about their stories, their backgrounds, their issues. They were transparent and vulnerable and that is what made it so powerful.

Something that grieved me incredibly is that they all expressed how terrified they were to talk about homosexuality in the context of church and small group relationship among their Christian friends - which in theory is the last place that they should be rejected. This only reinforces the idea that we should be lovers and accepting of the broken because that is what we all are and we all deal with something or another. How is one struggle so different or merit some sort of different type of treatment? It doesn't. The church has for so long failed at accepting things with which it is uncomfortable but I believe the tide is changing and a precedent has been set.

I found myself touched and grieved looking at my own life not just because what the panelists said was so incredibly relevant to us as a culture, but because it is so incredibly relevant to me as a person. As a person who has experienced relational and sexual brokenness as a result of abuse and gone through the same types of identity and connectedness struggles expressed by members of the panel, I was really struck by how these types of brokenness tend to stem from the same types of issues. Identity or lack thereof. A desperate need to be recognized by a parent or both parents. A desperate need for connection. Growing into adulthood and sexualizing those needs. I have been there. How many others have been there? How many others are there now?

I don't know what comes next, but I do know that this is only the beginning. There are other issues on the 'do not read' list that need to be open to dialogue. For example - when I was going through my journey of recovery I would have loved to have somebody be open and vulnerable about their journey with sexual abuse. What other issues can we strip of fear and shame and allow God to set people free?

Today is a new day, eh?

Don’t Worry Too Much

 Sometimes change whispers in through the subtleties

Before you know it you’re already there – that place you were merely looking forward to before

I thought I stopped making a script a long time ago yet I still rely on the timing of the tide and the crashing of the seas

Part of me still would really like to know ahead of time what is in store

Stepping forward without a plan – exhilarated and free and at the same time my breath caught

No take backs, no looking back

What if it be all for naught?

My heart I beat and my brain I rack

Looking for answers and remembering old dreams

Remember when I had a plan? A terrible plan, but a plan

Faith is hard – it is difficult to move forward without asking “why” or knowing what it means

It’s difficult to just let it go that God is bigger than woman

But I know – I know that God is real and His purpose is true

I know it. I know it and I’ve seen it before

And His best is for me no matter what I do

Whether I go into the ocean or stay on the shore

I know that He sees me and I know that He treasures my heart

I know how He loves me so much

I know that He adored me from the very start

So I guess I shouldn’t worry too much.

HAND TO PLAY

Racing to find this faceless, shapeless thing called happiness

I can barely breathe

Perhaps if I find the right level and combination of preparedness

Happiness and togetherness is something that I can achieve

I kid myself as no amount of preparedness can prepare me for the unknown

Shaking my head as I thought I had grown past this silly quaking

Lean into God. I chastise myself. Haven’t I grown?

Life is never given. There is no script for taking.

May I hold onto something besides God? Something else I can count on not to change?

No. The answer is no.

Must I live in this place all the time now – where I must allow for the chance of familiar and strange?

That has always been the reality. I just didn’t know.

Oh, Abba here I am once again. I am a woman undone laying at Your feet

How could I have felt so big before?

I feel the urge to admit defeat

I have no idea what is in store

Oh my child – you say to me. That is the point

How could you grow in faith without my stretching plan?

Give me your hands so I may anoint

This is not about just you but about God and man

Once you were a child feeding on milk

Put away childish things

As worms can make beautiful things out of silk

Such wonderful life faith brings

Perhaps one day I will lay down my plan

Today. Tomorrow and the next day

It is enough that I am a trembling woman

But it is not my hand to play.

The Here and Now

You are a stranger to me now

Not sure if I forgot you on purpose or if I barely remember you

The rage that you heaped on me I have to shed somehow

With your empty smile and your fake blond hair you just don’t have a clue

Perhaps it is true that the devil is in the details

For you color your world with broad strokes of falsehoods and quiet lies

I can’t make you admit that if there was ever a coffin you provided the nails

I can’t make you live in world with even ground, lows and highs

I can’t grieve a relationship that was never there

I can’t grieve a cause that was never lost

Your rage plus my rage is far too much for me to bear

Fusion of souls comes at far too high a cost

You say come on home

I am already there

I wonder who is seated on your throne

When in the midst of all of your troubles you stop at me and stare

Perhaps my tears will cleanse my soul

But you must find your own God

I’m on a journey to be made whole

Long ago I left the pod

I wish you could have been my sister

Better than the way you knew how

But you didn’t and burns heal after they blister

I’ve got the here and now.

Can't Get There From Here

Forgiveness is an extremely tricky thing. No doubt it is a miracle. In order to forgive a few things have to happen. One, you have to be willing. Two, you have to admit that you are at the end of yourself and you cannot do it alone and thus, God must take over your heart. Three, you have to change your expectations.

Anger is the result of unmet expectations. They may be expectations that are completely well-founded or they may be expectations that are unrealistic. Nonetheless, when expectations do not get met the result is anger. We have to manage this by either changing/letting go of our expectations or somehow getting the behavior to change. Most of the time it is the former.

There have been a lot of unmet expectations in my life. Expecting that people would treat me the way that I think I should be treated. Expecting that people should play certain roles in my life. Expecting that my life should go a certain way.

Pastor Heather spoke about living in the world of "If not" today and really challenged me to let go of my expectations - of people and of God. Sometimes circumstances just suck. Sometimes things don't go the way that I think that they should. Sometimes people hurt the powerless. That's life. I am not saying it is ok, but it is life.

I can't live the rest of my life hanging onto this anger that I have at people in my life that hurt me as a child or having these ideas of how my life should be lived or played out. Thus, I have to change my expectations.

I have to let go of the idea that my sister should have been a role model for me and protected me. I need to let go of the idea of what my childhood should have looked like. I need to let go of who my parents should have been. And then I need to invite God to fill in the holes. Fill in the holes of what "should have been" with healing for what actually was, and with vision for what could be. Need Him to replace the pain with His will for my life. Need Him to be my everything.

These are hard lessons to learn.

My friend used this phrasing to illustrate a point to me once "you can't get there from here." I was struggling to make something happen that only God could do and she told me "you can't get there from here. It's impossible - there is no road. Only God can do it."

It is the same with forgiveness. Only with God can we get there from here.

May I?

May I be liberated by my love for you?

This life I choose does not make sense. Often even I am confused.

You gave your life for me. A deed in lieu

And then let me decide whether or not it was used.

Oh how magnificent. How amazing. How divine

How I wrestle with and at the same time bask in your grace

How wonderful that I am yours and you are mine

Too beautiful for me to behold your face

May I cling to you when I am unsure?

When I am afraid and timid when walking on this path?

When I am not sure how much more I can endure?

May I cling to you when faced with your perfect wrath?

Am I your daughter in times of jubilation and in times of tears?

May I call myself part of your untarnished family?

May I never outgrow You in stature or in years?

May I love you without fear, without judgement, without reserve, absolutely?

Will you call me beloved and hold me in your heart and hand?

Yes you will. You will.

Will you keep all of your promises and tell me you understand?

I am sure of it. You will.

May I move forward without looking back, knowing that you are sovereign God?

I can. I will

I think a prior version of me would think me rather odd

Still. I will.

Today for Me, Tomorrow For You?

You may (or may not) recognize that line from one of the best Broadway productions of all time.

For me, it sort of sums up what God has been teaching me more intensely the last couple of months.
I feel like, before I loved God - I was completely absorbed in planning my life out in order to capitalize on what would make life most enjoyable, beneficial and lucrative for me. I based my studies on this, did my job search based on this, made my friends based on this, and dated based on this - this concept of self-fulfillment. Oh, that job might be fulfilling but doesn't pay? No, thanks. That course of study doesn't fit into my 15 year plan? X. That man isn't good on paper? Definitely not marriage material.

The more that God saturates my life..........the more that I learn that it's really just not about me at all.
Now this may seem really dramatic and I should state for the record that these are lessons that I have been learning over and over - for years. I just feel like God has been really teaching me lately that I really do not have the license to make plans at all because it all belongs to Him.

This concept really simplifies my life on one hand - all that I am responsible for is being obedient and living in the moment. On the other hand it really freaks me out. There is no more tangible paradigm by which to define myself. No longer am I allowed to sink my identity into my career....my education........my friends.........just Him.

It's a great place to be.

So no more "Today for me.........maybe tomorrow for You." Today for You. Tomorrow for You. And everything for You.

VOWS

It’s as if my brain is on default plan mode

I made so many plans and tucked them away in my heart

Not even silly plans – I thought good plans and just continued to walk down the road

This is where Abba shows me the difference between contrived and art

Love to know what feels safe. Love to go down the road more traveled

Yet still yearning for intimacy and adventure and great mountains to climb

Always so frustrated and at the same time amused to watch my carefully detailed plans be completely unraveled

HE knows what is best. He knows the place. He knows the time.

Today marks a new day. Of redemption. Of healing. Of health. And of decision.

All my life. All the time. Whatever that may mean or call.

Lord all of my years of dedicated learning are absolutely nothing compared to Your size and wisdom

Humbly to my knees today I fall

My vows to You – my marriage – through it all I take You first and everything else after

My vows to You this day of redemption

My vows to You include the decimation of my plan and I promise to adjust to Your laughter

In You there is no condemnation

Day by day. Minute by minute. Living life in raw dependence on You

I know there is no sweeter place to be

From this day forth, Abba, may it be true

That we are married. You and me.

Whether This, Whether That

"Therefore my brothers and sister .... stand firm in the Lord this way!
... I have learned to be content in any circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret to being content in any and every situation, whether well-fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in wait. I can do all this through Him who gives me strength."
(Philippians 4).

It's been a long week. Rather, a long month. Sometimes the hits just keep on coming and my first reaction is "how could I live life better? How could I be a better version of myself? Maybe then my bank account wouldn't bounce, I wouldn't experience emotional pain, and my life would be blissfully without worry or pinch."
Well, that's crap.
Truth is, no matter how well I play it and how well-prepared I am sometimes unexpected expenses just blow out my bank account and I couldn't have done a better job. Or, I have to learn a lesson of emotional depth and tears are sometimes just a part of relationship. Sometimes, often times, being a three-dimensional person means living a three-dimensional life.
So when I get done whining and spinning and trying to intellectualize it and finally just sit down in front of God, He reminds me of Paul.
Paul was an interesting character, wasn't he? He didn't seem to take the time to navel-gaze and worry about how all of the terrible things that were happening to him were going to affect him. He wrote to encourage the Corinthians and the Philippians. Now, I don't pretend to be a Biblical scholar or be able to pull it all into context but if this guy could focus on the church while he was imprisoned he is pretty cool in my book.
And he speaks to me on a day like today. A day when my entire life feels like a logistical nightmare....and says "I have had much and I have had little and you know what? Either way it doesn't matter."

Whether this, or whether that.

Whether rich or poor. Whether educated or not. Whether employed or not. The point is that the foundation is not "whether this or whether that." The foundation is God.
It is so simple.
Ok -I'm not saying that I do this well. In fact, today I feel like a faith loser. I freaked out over something manageable by people. What if I had been faced by something manageable by only God?

 But, I can always go back to Philippians 4 and know where the truth lies.

The truth lies in God. Not "whether this or whether that."
Breathe out. Good thing, huh?

Beauty For Ashes

Often I wonder what is my place in God's plan. Not because I am trying to be complex or esoteric but because I find His ways so opposite of my ways........and then I remember that it's not a matter of figuring it out so much as in being patient and obedient. This is so hard. Being patient and obedient requires me to sit still and wait - to trust that His silence is better than all of my talking. To trust that His apparent lack of action is better than any of my silly plans.

In times of uncertainty and discomfort I have to remember that He promised me so many things - and He doesn't break promises. He just doesn't.
He promised me freedom from fear. He promised me that He would never leave.
And He promised me Beauty for Ashes.



There must  be more space in God's plan
More space than I have imagined
I have made room in my life to be saturated by both God and man
So long to one corner I have been pinned.

Longing for redemption through vengeance
Perhaps, just perhaps, beauty for ashes is the way
How can I possibly go back to change past circumstance
It is no longer my price to pay

You say that You want to excavate my heart
And make beauty where ashes used to lie
Is it necessary to tear my flesh apart?
So that the way I used to feel can die?

What does redemption look like in Your eyes?
My heart be beautiful to You?
To do away with a lifetime of lies?
In order to learn about what is true?

Lord I am so tired of carrying around a bag filled with ashes
Far too weary for my aching body to hold
I know sometimes I learn in the lines and dashes
Lord I am meek today so please be bold

Isaiah 61:3

Tearing Me Apart

I act like it is all about me versus you, good versus evil

Victim versus Perpetrator

It’s just not that simple

If life were that easy I wouldn’t be haunted, I wouldn’t struggle, wouldn’t wish for any other time instead of now……..later God, later!

Inextricably linked for my entire life. Side by side in emotional bondage, in sexual commonality, in shared pain

If I am  free where does that leave you?

And where do I go from here? Who am I without this crimson stain?

What if I actually believe that the lies are not true?

It is not as easy as me versus you

If I leave you and let you go I have to look at myself as well

It’s not as easy as what I am supposed to do

It’s what I am being called to let go of – not anything priced out, nothing left to sell

My Abba says priceless and I argue tainted and shamed

Being truthful about self-loathing is part of the process?

My Abba says free and I argue ugly and chained

I never wanted to look at this stuff again and yet here it is in my face – just asking for release and progress

The reality is that it has already been claimed and no longer belongs to me

Why do I hold on to it with such fierceness and tenacity?

Abba You ask me to be somebody that maybe I don’t want to be

You ask me to keep walking when I don’t have clarity

Obedience without having any idea what is next

And valuing my privacy You ask me to be transparent with a bleeding heart

You ask me to be blunt when I want to live in subtext

Oh, Abba………you are tearing me apart.

Living in the Moment

Sometimes God requires some really sticky, itchy things of us. Like living in the moment. Living in the moment is essentially, I would say, willingness to lay it down and say "Ok God, I am not in control of today. I am not in control of the future. I am not even in control of the next five minutes." My therapist Deb often says that the only thing she can claim control of is her own bladder. Too much? Sorry.

During prayer last week, I heard Pastor Joel say something to the effect of "God gives us vision and I need to remember that even when He gives the vision it doesn't belong to me. It still belongs to Him and I need to be careful not to run away with it in." (my paraphrase).

This resonates with me because so often God gives me a passion and a vision and then I think it is up to me to work it out in my own way. Nothing could be further from the truth. Even more it is a call on me to rely on God and watch HIM put the pieces together. My call is to be 1) in prayer and 2) obedient so that when He asks me to do something, I am able to hear His voice and because I have been in prayer and willing to follow His voice.

Living in the present can be tricky because it is UNCOMFORTABLE. Pastor Dave is always talking about living in the tension. It is often easy to miss out on what God is doing in the present because we are so busy focusing on what happened to us in the past or fearing the future. Living in the tension means that we sit and take in that uncomfortable feeling - whether it be the tension of the unknown or the tension of the process "being in process" (the tension of transition) or the tension of not having answers other than the fact that God is God and that is enough. Tension can be good. Really good.

There is a lot of tension in my life right now. I think it was maybe three weeks ago that Pastor Mark talked about pain and discomfort and staying in it rather than running away from it because beautiful things are birthed from pain. I think this is true.

So here's to living in the moment. Cheers!

Stamp on My Life

You have placed a stamp on my life
And I am forever Yours
If we are the church and I am Your wife
I trust You to open all the doors

How can I ever run from Your eternal promise
How can I go back once You have laid claim to me?
No longer a wanderlust, no longer hit or miss
Can't claim death once You have claimed eternity

Centered on the way You never move
Pulling on Your faithfullness and truth
Wearing into Your words like a wheel into a groove
Releasing the foundations of my old youth

So tired of what used to be called fame
Beauty and accolades fall on exhausted ears
I can scarcely remember how to play the old game
Oh blessed, cathartic tears

Desperately I cling to You
No longer just an hour but a lifetime of need
I look at You to know what is true
Your plant. Your water. Your sunshine. Your seed.

The God-Breathed, God-Activated Adventure

I feel like this is worth re-posting today......as I shake my head again and wonder.

I suppose part  of me – a rather large part – assumed that I would come back to the states and get over it. “It” being that something tangible and intangible….I assumed that I would at some point grow away from my experience rather than continue to grow toward it.

I knew, of course, that I’d had an impactful experience (the impact being on me) in Thailand but part of me truly believed that the intensity of the experience would just diminish and I would go back to my life.

I guess when God messes us up…..He doesn’t let us get clean again so easily.

It has now been over a month since I got back from Thailand and the return to my everyday life has not yet happened. I feel more free-fallen and at odds with everything comfortable than I ever have in my life. I look in the mirror and the woman staring back at me is not the same woman who took off for Bangkok on February 9, 2012.

God has been teaching me a lot. Ok, that is a massive understatement. Over the past four weeks I have gone through the emotional and spiritual ringer. In a good way. I had thought that I was devoted to God before, and that I was in a pretty good place. He has humbled me in a thousand ways: showing me that there is always another, bigger, different side to Him. There will always be another part of my life to lay down to Him. There will always be new ways to depend on Him. Always and forever, until the day that I die.

I think that the point of short-term missions is to produce long-term results, and that looks different for every person. For me, I will never stop loving the people of Thailand with a fierceness that kind of scares me. I will continue to give parts of myself to God that I don’t want to give – that I don’t even want Him to see – that I don’t even want to admit that I have.

Today I am asking myself: What is this God-Breathed, God Activated Adventure on which I have gotten myself?

Let Your Heaven Live On Earth

 

This is the end of a lifetime of begging to be second rate

Of apologizing for things I didn’t do

For taking on more things than I can fit on my plate

Biting off more than I can chew

A lifetime of hiding behind other persons and things

And saying sorry just for being me

It boils and brews and I can hardly contain the anger it brings

My skin peels off of my face and suddenly there is somebody else who – before I just couldn’t see

How I’ve hidden my face to hide what you did to me

Why has it been all of this time that I have been so ashamed?

It’s you that should be hiding in misery

I am not the one to be blamed

Oh Abba I am just undone and totally, utterly, completely at the end of myself

How can I bemoan being healthy, sanctified and clean

A new beginning and a new perspective and feelings that I didn’t even know that I felt

Is this how it feels to be redeemed?

Sometimes all that it takes to see reality is to take the scales off of my own eyes

Why have I allowed the scales for so long?

Forgiveness is a double miracle – both for me and the ones I despise

To refuse to ask is the only way to go wrong

Oh Abba seal my heart and let me stand on Your head

That I may know my worth

Put my self-loathing and my shame to bed

Let Your Heaven live on earth.

Redemption Means Forgiveness? Really?

I hate you so much it is hard to breathe

And I don’t want to forgive you

Do you hear me? I hate you and I don’t want to forgive you.

I blame Adam and I blame Eve

Why should I forgive you? Why?

I know the age-old Christian reasoning and it falls so hollow on my ears

It is not like I don’t think about it and it’s not like I don’t try

I don’t have any deep wisdom. I have no wise words. I truly have nothing but hurt and tears.

My rage goes so deep and I don’t know if it can ever be soothed and released

Do you know how long it took me to admit that I was even angry?

I don’t even want to admit that you are a human being  - perhaps it is true that my dressed is wrinkled and my pants have never been creased

But at least I have not raped a child just for kicks and then pretended to be sanguine

Fuck you, dude. I wish you were deceased.

My Abba calls me to forgive me. He pulls at my heart and asks me to let it go

I fight and I writhe and I don’t want to forgive you.

I don’t even want to start. I don’t want to throw the initial throw

I want you to be miserable and locked up and everything else that you deserve for what you do.

Some things should never happen. Some things bring hell to earth

Pastors should never be rapists. Fact.

Little girls should never have love and joy and imagination replaced with dearth

Little girls should always be protected and not cracked.

Abba – here I am so full of rage

And not particularly apologetic about it or sorry

I have no idea what to do to put You and me on the same page

Redemption is birthed by forgiveness? Really? Fine. Then YOU are going to have to tell me a new story.

Wait and See

I twist and turn and my heart is divided
My passion is pitted against my fear
Was there ever a time in history when heaven and human collided?
Oh Lord, cause a curve in my heart that dies to be linear

If you call me I am sure I will answer....
Or will I find a way to pretend you never called?
I struggle and hid behind my own self-doubt and I'm certain it doesn't make this process go any faster
I'm terrified, Abba, that if You pull at my thread I will start to unwind and find out that I don't have a court or even a ball

What do You want from me? What do You want from me? What do You want from me?
I scream into the night
I try wrapping my mind around the idea that I must submit in order to be free
That first there was dark and then there was light

It is an old refrain, yet finds a way to be relevant and new
"I decrease so that He may increase."
I'm just not sure what to do
So that the tentacles of my old, worn-out plan will cease

Control is death to a growing sapling
And Lord, I want to be Your tree
I am really not sure what is happening
Lord, please give me the gift of "wait and see."

WHO AM I?

Who am I to say no to You?

Who am I to pretend that You fit into my life and not the other way around?

Who am I to think that I dictate what is true?

Who am I to think that I am the one who is crowned?

Oh, Abba, forgive me my foolish pride

You are so much bigger than I could have conceived even yesterday

I throw up my hands and admit that I am just along for the ride

Teach me to worship. Teach me to serve. Teach me to pray

If You want every last piece of me – down to the very last part of me that I didn’t even know I have

Lord – just take it.

Who am I to say You can’t love me that much? That You can’t restore me that way? That I’m not worth the lot You gave

Lord – I’m so humbled by Your greatness. Take my heart and just break it.

You pay such close attention to me and I know that it is me You came to save.

Out of the overflow of Your heart comes the overflow of my heart

And I long to be just more in step with You

How could I have come this far and still feel like I don’t know where to start?

Abba – teach me who to be – not just what to do.

Closing Time

Inside out I turn all of the factors around and around in my head

What did he say? What did she say? What does everybody around me think?
What would happen if I decided to look to You instead

I'll tell you what - it would look a whole lot more real - and this ship called denial would start to sink

Oh, Lord - tell me - how did I ever think that I knew You before today?

How did I ever think that You were so small?

How did I ever think that this is about whether I go or whether I stay?

Abiding in You is synonymous with responding to Your call

"Closing time. I don't have to go home but I can't stay here."

Sometimes the implications of obedience are a little more scary than anticipated

Yet the walk is not divided and the call is not unclear

It's just that my spirit is a little more berated

Oh, Lord - I'm not even sure I want to know

Anything beyond the next five minutes

I don't covet your script - this is Your show

You have the special ability to stretch me way beyond my limits

May I be simple in my request?

Never, never leave me

I cannot do this alone, not even at my best

If You promise to stay by my side, I won't beg You to leave me be.

Just Another Day

Is vulnerability and transparency fodder for ridicule?

The one who seeks to kill may not be very smart but he has the trick of repetition down very well

My old paradigms pound at my skull and bray at me with the stubbornness of a mule

When does the new become the normal? Shifting minds, shifting hearts, shifting spirit – only time will tell

My God is so big and His universe is so expansive – it’s almost like I never knew before today

I never saw things as so great and the possibilities as so endless

I am so amazed at YOUR grace and YOUR power and YOUR mercy and YOUR goodness Abba – I don’t even know what to say

I truly don’t know why my spirit struggles against You when in Your arms I long to rest

Father – one thing I pledge to You forever  as I lay down my life once more

I will not go back and choose my own way

Honoring You, Loving You, and Serving YOU, my Abba, is MY CHANCE to even the score

Teach me how to serve You. Teach me how to seek You. Teach me how to pray.

One day my strife for perfection will be replaced by the twinkle in Your eyes

One day my bitterness will be melted by Your miracle

Some day, maybe tomorrow, my hands will be Your hands to touch a soul that cries

Abba, Your dance is all things beautiful, interesting, abstract, straightforward and lyrical

Today is just another day of mine that belongs to You

Just another day, Abba What would you like me to do?

MISSIONS AFTERMATH

I try to make it so difficult: so linear and shaped and at the same time so passionate and poetic

My left brain and my right brain cannot coexist- I get overwhelmed by the holistic version of myself

I feel so silly when I realize that I have pigeonhole you to make myself comfortable and by the same token made my own life so much more narrow and hectic

If I can’t see you as a whole person it’s no wonder that I completely short circuit my own wealth

I get so exhausted of my own ridiculous games and yet sometimes I just don’t know how to stop

Except to just quit moving and breathe

Sometimes there is absolutely no answer to pain and confusion other than to just let it be and eventually your knees will drop

Only my Abba can handle the overflow when I start to seethe

It’s so hard to give a “put together” response when I am emotionally drained and spiritually moving and physically incredibly uncertain

I absolutely have no idea what is next and the social and cultural construct demands that I have a plan in place

I don’t have a plan – all I have to offer is an aching heart and a desire and a whole lot of need – what will Abba do with this non-plan

I need to time to think. I need some time to cry. I need some emotional space.

I feel so lost and incompetent and my inabilities feel so much larger than my gifts

I find myself wandering in a land with too many questions and too few answers

Yet my Abba says “wait and see” and I want to scream and shake my fists

I want to be able to execute something well orchestrated with the ease and grace of dancers

Yet a small voice speaks to me. “It’s not about you.”

Sometimes I hate that voice

I know that it is true

And I have a choice.

Calm down and follow along

In the grace of God’s plan and feel the pinch of the discomfort and the pain of the unknown and the divine chaos

Counterintuitive and at the same time strong

Without Him I would, in the truest sense, be lost.