Take My World Apart

At some point I must make a choice - either my fist comes unclenched or I completely fall apart
I have been so tightly, so tightly, so tightly holding on to control of this for so long I'm not sure that my fingers can let go
I want to believe that by Your scars and by Your stripes my life is marked
But when I look at the way that I live my life is it really so?

You ask me to stand on Your promises - and Yet my default button leads back to rumination, worry and control
So invested in self-protection and staying two steps ahead of the game
What if the game is already behind me and I have already been made whole?
What if I am no longer the same?

I thought I was so far beyond this silliness and yet I find myself doing the same dance
I am furious at myself and You tap me on the shoulder
Still human. Still learning. Still my Child - You say and remind me that I am not defined by circumstance
You remind me that it was never the Centurions that removed the boulder

Oh stupid, foolish pride. Take my world apart and show me something beyond my conventional wisdom and pieced-together logic
Based on experience is so limited compared to Your master view
Far too much has happened between there and here to wax nostalgic
Yet it's not like I can pretend I am brand new

I am so intense and I am not sure I know how to operate any other way
I run hot and live in the land of fierce heartbeat
So how does that translate if You ask me to live only for today?
To consume only what You have given me today to eat?

You completely and utterly turn my world upside down on a regular basis
And then You ask me to be rooted and identified in You and You alone
I ask You to guide me to this peaceful and beautiful oasis
And then expect You to be proud of how much I have grown

Oh Lord - I am a woman undone. I am so incredibly undone
And I am still human one hundred percent of the time
I used to think that life was about something to be won
Now I know that life is about learning to be Thine

SO make me Thine. I don't know how or what to do
But my present attitude of entitlement must die
I feel like I just don't have a clue
But I do know enough to know that feelings don't determine much and You hear me when I cry

Lord today I cry - and every day after today
To take everything in me and make it Yours
I no longer want to participate in my own personal foray
I want to walk through open doors

Abba - I can not live in constant battle with You for control over my life
I can't argue. I can't use my energy to fight
Whatever may be the root of my strife
Oh I beg You please find it and turn it into light.