MISSIONS AFTERMATH

I try to make it so difficult: so linear and shaped and at the same time so passionate and poetic

My left brain and my right brain cannot coexist- I get overwhelmed by the holistic version of myself

I feel so silly when I realize that I have pigeonhole you to make myself comfortable and by the same token made my own life so much more narrow and hectic

If I can’t see you as a whole person it’s no wonder that I completely short circuit my own wealth

I get so exhausted of my own ridiculous games and yet sometimes I just don’t know how to stop

Except to just quit moving and breathe

Sometimes there is absolutely no answer to pain and confusion other than to just let it be and eventually your knees will drop

Only my Abba can handle the overflow when I start to seethe

It’s so hard to give a “put together” response when I am emotionally drained and spiritually moving and physically incredibly uncertain

I absolutely have no idea what is next and the social and cultural construct demands that I have a plan in place

I don’t have a plan – all I have to offer is an aching heart and a desire and a whole lot of need – what will Abba do with this non-plan

I need to time to think. I need some time to cry. I need some emotional space.

I feel so lost and incompetent and my inabilities feel so much larger than my gifts

I find myself wandering in a land with too many questions and too few answers

Yet my Abba says “wait and see” and I want to scream and shake my fists

I want to be able to execute something well orchestrated with the ease and grace of dancers

Yet a small voice speaks to me. “It’s not about you.”

Sometimes I hate that voice

I know that it is true

And I have a choice.

Calm down and follow along

In the grace of God’s plan and feel the pinch of the discomfort and the pain of the unknown and the divine chaos

Counterintuitive and at the same time strong

Without Him I would, in the truest sense, be lost.