Tearing Me Apart

I act like it is all about me versus you, good versus evil

Victim versus Perpetrator

It’s just not that simple

If life were that easy I wouldn’t be haunted, I wouldn’t struggle, wouldn’t wish for any other time instead of now……..later God, later!

Inextricably linked for my entire life. Side by side in emotional bondage, in sexual commonality, in shared pain

If I am  free where does that leave you?

And where do I go from here? Who am I without this crimson stain?

What if I actually believe that the lies are not true?

It is not as easy as me versus you

If I leave you and let you go I have to look at myself as well

It’s not as easy as what I am supposed to do

It’s what I am being called to let go of – not anything priced out, nothing left to sell

My Abba says priceless and I argue tainted and shamed

Being truthful about self-loathing is part of the process?

My Abba says free and I argue ugly and chained

I never wanted to look at this stuff again and yet here it is in my face – just asking for release and progress

The reality is that it has already been claimed and no longer belongs to me

Why do I hold on to it with such fierceness and tenacity?

Abba You ask me to be somebody that maybe I don’t want to be

You ask me to keep walking when I don’t have clarity

Obedience without having any idea what is next

And valuing my privacy You ask me to be transparent with a bleeding heart

You ask me to be blunt when I want to live in subtext

Oh, Abba………you are tearing me apart.