Take My World Apart

At some point I must make a choice - either my fist comes unclenched or I completely fall apart
I have been so tightly, so tightly, so tightly holding on to control of this for so long I'm not sure that my fingers can let go
I want to believe that by Your scars and by Your stripes my life is marked
But when I look at the way that I live my life is it really so?

You ask me to stand on Your promises - and Yet my default button leads back to rumination, worry and control
So invested in self-protection and staying two steps ahead of the game
What if the game is already behind me and I have already been made whole?
What if I am no longer the same?

I thought I was so far beyond this silliness and yet I find myself doing the same dance
I am furious at myself and You tap me on the shoulder
Still human. Still learning. Still my Child - You say and remind me that I am not defined by circumstance
You remind me that it was never the Centurions that removed the boulder

Oh stupid, foolish pride. Take my world apart and show me something beyond my conventional wisdom and pieced-together logic
Based on experience is so limited compared to Your master view
Far too much has happened between there and here to wax nostalgic
Yet it's not like I can pretend I am brand new

I am so intense and I am not sure I know how to operate any other way
I run hot and live in the land of fierce heartbeat
So how does that translate if You ask me to live only for today?
To consume only what You have given me today to eat?

You completely and utterly turn my world upside down on a regular basis
And then You ask me to be rooted and identified in You and You alone
I ask You to guide me to this peaceful and beautiful oasis
And then expect You to be proud of how much I have grown

Oh Lord - I am a woman undone. I am so incredibly undone
And I am still human one hundred percent of the time
I used to think that life was about something to be won
Now I know that life is about learning to be Thine

SO make me Thine. I don't know how or what to do
But my present attitude of entitlement must die
I feel like I just don't have a clue
But I do know enough to know that feelings don't determine much and You hear me when I cry

Lord today I cry - and every day after today
To take everything in me and make it Yours
I no longer want to participate in my own personal foray
I want to walk through open doors

Abba - I can not live in constant battle with You for control over my life
I can't argue. I can't use my energy to fight
Whatever may be the root of my strife
Oh I beg You please find it and turn it into light.

THE POWER TO FORGIVE

Today is a brand new day, today is just beginning

I can barely breathe

I’m not really sure what is going on but I can tell that You are winning

Lord send me and a new dream you will weave

Perhaps a different woman woke up today, perhaps something was born out of great pain

Perhaps light breaks forth from darkness

Today I feel like I have everything to gain

If I could only find a quiet place to rest

Life can change in just an instant so why not go all in – no reservations, no holding back – no take-backs

Lord, my name is tattooed on Your heart

I am standing here and for the first time I have no plan of attack

I don’t have a place to end and I don’t have a place to start

You know the first and the last and You have the answers to the prayers I didn’t dare utter with my whispered breath

You see to the deepest core of my being

You forge my path from here to there – You define height and depth

Yet sometimes I doubt the words I sing

I can only be human one hundred percent of the time

That is all I have to give

I’m so thankful that you have rhythm and rhyme

And you have the power to forgive.

Strategy, Plan, Beauty, Art

No longer any clue as to up from down and perhaps that is ok

Maybe I am not meant to have such a tight grip on the way that things ‘ought to be.’

I used to believe certain things about my life, about myself, about the way that my heart looks and I used to swallow the ugly things that you would say

I used to identify my worth as though it were up to you and your opinion changed from left to right, from yes to no, oh so fleetingly

I would like to believe that I have come so far, that I am a warrior and that I have pulled myself out of despair and destitution by my bootstraps

But in reality I have been saved by grace and by a Savior

I am humbled and tearful as I understand in a new way that my heart would still be marred and devastated with holes and gaps

If not for YOU I would be completely dependent on my exterior

Passionately I advocate for those who are in danger of, or may have already gone through what I went through

Wonder if I am running in circles against the height and breadth of what is not just an issue but a vast system and network of darkness

I can’t fix it and what is it that I am to do?

Is there peace to be found where there is endless potential to be restless?

YOU oh Lord see the heart of every child, girl, boy, woman, and man who is part of this broken system

YOU know the pain that sears

YOU are the King of wisdom

And with YOUR gentle hand you wipe away the unseen tears

I beg of you to see what we can’t see and have grace on our paltry efforts

Have mercy on YOUR children whom YOU love

This journey is long and the road is hard and sometimes it just really hurts

May we be both the serpent and the dove?

Passion that burns in the hearts of those who love YOU- let it burn with YOUR purpose and YOUR plan

Let us be YOUR hands and feet and eyes and heart

We know that YOU are both spirit and man

And Lord – praise you. You are strategy and plan the same way that you are beauty and art.

Soil Forever Tilled

To move in step with You I must abandon myself

And I can no longer see myself through my eyes

I can barely recall why I used to regard my plan with such esteem, why I used to try to circumvent Your plan with such stealth

Why did I used to replace Your truth with my silly lies?

I am in such a broken place and I need Your utterance

I need You to speak on my behalf

There is a difference between yearning for what I want and just yearning for You: I am learning that there is no such thing as contingencies and there is no such thing as clairvoyance

Makes me wonder how many times in one calendar day I make You laugh

I used to think that purpose was so nebulous and mission was ill-defined

That my life just really wasn’t that important

I may not be able to do take-backs or push rewind

However, I can speak truth and I can name the elephant

I can follow the sound of Your voice to the ends of the earth

And I will

This life is filled with sorrow and filled with mirth

Yet through the seasons I learn to be still

Surrender is a choice and also a posture to be learned for the rest of days

Funny how I thought it would be a quota filled

Something I will learn in a million ways

A soil forever tilled.

Everybody Had a Breaking Point

Everybody has a breaking point. My breaking point has been about a month in coming.


A relationship with God ebbs and flows through different seasons just like any other relationship. However, the relationship with God adds a different dynamic, because it requires complete surrender. Absolute surrender. Surrender past the point when you didn't think you had anything left to give....and then He asks you to give more. He asks you to do more. He asks you to operate in a space wherein you are no longer using your own strength but you are utterly reliant on Him for your day to day.


Surrender past the point when you think that you are absolutely exhausted and unable to surrender that thing - that thing you can't live without. That vice you can't survive without. That piece of control you thought that you had. Those delusions and illusions. And then He asks you to give them up. 


I find that I am in a period of surrender.......and  I am not the only one. God is doing something interesting and exciting around here. I'm not sure what - but I feel an anticipation that can only be God-breathed and God-activated.


We are doing a churchwide fast starting July 14th. This could not have come at a better time for me. As I have been learning firsthand - thanks to Pastors Heather and Mark and Romans 8 - my humanity is fundamentally at odds with what God is trying to do in my life. I need to fast and pray and hear from God. I think that the practice of fasting and being quiet gives God an opportunity to speak to me in ways that He would not otherwise have in my chaotic, over-committed, loud, and busy life.


Not sure what the take-away is here.......but I do know that there have been many, many times over the past month or so when I have said to myself "What would I do if I didn't have God?" 


Seriously - what would I do if I didn't have God?  Yes - the journey is intense and the surrender is hard, but without Him I would be without purpose, without mission, without vision....and without a host of other things.


So yeah- everybody has a breaking point, but God is there to redeem that brokenness, and I would rather be here than anywhere else.

God Given Zen

Changes whispers through life and before you know it everything looks different

The unknown is ahead and the you don’t recognize what just happened - at some point control was forsaken

Perhaps it never existed…perhaps I thought that fantasy was heaven-sent

Perhaps it is no longer even my choice which road is to be taken

I lay at the foot of the cross and I ask God why

Why did You suffer for me so that I could fight You at every turn of Your perfect plan?

Sometimes I hear beautiful people’s awful stories and it makes me want to cry

Makes me wonder where I can find the justice of Your hand.

Juxtaposed and yet so simple

Is my silly human heart

I fight You and yet I love You so fiercely

Lord, You are dance, You are beauty, You are art

How many times can I lay down my life to submit to You?

Over and over and over again

Learning the same lessons and struggling to discover something new

And rest in Your God-given zen

Letting Go

How do I make peace with the next steps when I thrive in the present day?
Perhaps the wheel turns too quickly and my fear overtakes logic
May I find some peace when I get on my face and pray?
Is there any space to be wishy washy, leery or nostalgic?

Missions aftermath burns me with a passion that will never cease
Today fills me with a joy that burns so bright
When aftermath turns into present is there some sort of release?
Or is there just more burning, more yearning, more purporse- more light?

Perhaps they are one and the same
If today and tomorrow and yesterday belong to God can I let go of one more piece?
Can I let go of knowing? Of my heart? My well being? Of protecting myself? Competing for needs? Release the foray?
Will the struggle end and I let go of my lease?

You ask me, Abba, to stand on truth.
To be honest and forthright and believe you have my best
You painstakingly unclench my fist and tell me to walk away from my youth
That you have a plan for the rest

I will never know lest I jump off the cliff
Dive away from what was
Take what is flexible from what used to be stiff
Because you are God and not just because

Today my heart breaks to grieve what was
So necessary to embrace what is and what may be
Its so amazing to see what God does
Every day I walk forward and I am free