Don’t Worry Too Much

 Sometimes change whispers in through the subtleties

Before you know it you’re already there – that place you were merely looking forward to before

I thought I stopped making a script a long time ago yet I still rely on the timing of the tide and the crashing of the seas

Part of me still would really like to know ahead of time what is in store

Stepping forward without a plan – exhilarated and free and at the same time my breath caught

No take backs, no looking back

What if it be all for naught?

My heart I beat and my brain I rack

Looking for answers and remembering old dreams

Remember when I had a plan? A terrible plan, but a plan

Faith is hard – it is difficult to move forward without asking “why” or knowing what it means

It’s difficult to just let it go that God is bigger than woman

But I know – I know that God is real and His purpose is true

I know it. I know it and I’ve seen it before

And His best is for me no matter what I do

Whether I go into the ocean or stay on the shore

I know that He sees me and I know that He treasures my heart

I know how He loves me so much

I know that He adored me from the very start

So I guess I shouldn’t worry too much.

HAND TO PLAY

Racing to find this faceless, shapeless thing called happiness

I can barely breathe

Perhaps if I find the right level and combination of preparedness

Happiness and togetherness is something that I can achieve

I kid myself as no amount of preparedness can prepare me for the unknown

Shaking my head as I thought I had grown past this silly quaking

Lean into God. I chastise myself. Haven’t I grown?

Life is never given. There is no script for taking.

May I hold onto something besides God? Something else I can count on not to change?

No. The answer is no.

Must I live in this place all the time now – where I must allow for the chance of familiar and strange?

That has always been the reality. I just didn’t know.

Oh, Abba here I am once again. I am a woman undone laying at Your feet

How could I have felt so big before?

I feel the urge to admit defeat

I have no idea what is in store

Oh my child – you say to me. That is the point

How could you grow in faith without my stretching plan?

Give me your hands so I may anoint

This is not about just you but about God and man

Once you were a child feeding on milk

Put away childish things

As worms can make beautiful things out of silk

Such wonderful life faith brings

Perhaps one day I will lay down my plan

Today. Tomorrow and the next day

It is enough that I am a trembling woman

But it is not my hand to play.

The Here and Now

You are a stranger to me now

Not sure if I forgot you on purpose or if I barely remember you

The rage that you heaped on me I have to shed somehow

With your empty smile and your fake blond hair you just don’t have a clue

Perhaps it is true that the devil is in the details

For you color your world with broad strokes of falsehoods and quiet lies

I can’t make you admit that if there was ever a coffin you provided the nails

I can’t make you live in world with even ground, lows and highs

I can’t grieve a relationship that was never there

I can’t grieve a cause that was never lost

Your rage plus my rage is far too much for me to bear

Fusion of souls comes at far too high a cost

You say come on home

I am already there

I wonder who is seated on your throne

When in the midst of all of your troubles you stop at me and stare

Perhaps my tears will cleanse my soul

But you must find your own God

I’m on a journey to be made whole

Long ago I left the pod

I wish you could have been my sister

Better than the way you knew how

But you didn’t and burns heal after they blister

I’ve got the here and now.

Can't Get There From Here

Forgiveness is an extremely tricky thing. No doubt it is a miracle. In order to forgive a few things have to happen. One, you have to be willing. Two, you have to admit that you are at the end of yourself and you cannot do it alone and thus, God must take over your heart. Three, you have to change your expectations.

Anger is the result of unmet expectations. They may be expectations that are completely well-founded or they may be expectations that are unrealistic. Nonetheless, when expectations do not get met the result is anger. We have to manage this by either changing/letting go of our expectations or somehow getting the behavior to change. Most of the time it is the former.

There have been a lot of unmet expectations in my life. Expecting that people would treat me the way that I think I should be treated. Expecting that people should play certain roles in my life. Expecting that my life should go a certain way.

Pastor Heather spoke about living in the world of "If not" today and really challenged me to let go of my expectations - of people and of God. Sometimes circumstances just suck. Sometimes things don't go the way that I think that they should. Sometimes people hurt the powerless. That's life. I am not saying it is ok, but it is life.

I can't live the rest of my life hanging onto this anger that I have at people in my life that hurt me as a child or having these ideas of how my life should be lived or played out. Thus, I have to change my expectations.

I have to let go of the idea that my sister should have been a role model for me and protected me. I need to let go of the idea of what my childhood should have looked like. I need to let go of who my parents should have been. And then I need to invite God to fill in the holes. Fill in the holes of what "should have been" with healing for what actually was, and with vision for what could be. Need Him to replace the pain with His will for my life. Need Him to be my everything.

These are hard lessons to learn.

My friend used this phrasing to illustrate a point to me once "you can't get there from here." I was struggling to make something happen that only God could do and she told me "you can't get there from here. It's impossible - there is no road. Only God can do it."

It is the same with forgiveness. Only with God can we get there from here.

May I?

May I be liberated by my love for you?

This life I choose does not make sense. Often even I am confused.

You gave your life for me. A deed in lieu

And then let me decide whether or not it was used.

Oh how magnificent. How amazing. How divine

How I wrestle with and at the same time bask in your grace

How wonderful that I am yours and you are mine

Too beautiful for me to behold your face

May I cling to you when I am unsure?

When I am afraid and timid when walking on this path?

When I am not sure how much more I can endure?

May I cling to you when faced with your perfect wrath?

Am I your daughter in times of jubilation and in times of tears?

May I call myself part of your untarnished family?

May I never outgrow You in stature or in years?

May I love you without fear, without judgement, without reserve, absolutely?

Will you call me beloved and hold me in your heart and hand?

Yes you will. You will.

Will you keep all of your promises and tell me you understand?

I am sure of it. You will.

May I move forward without looking back, knowing that you are sovereign God?

I can. I will

I think a prior version of me would think me rather odd

Still. I will.

Today for Me, Tomorrow For You?

You may (or may not) recognize that line from one of the best Broadway productions of all time.

For me, it sort of sums up what God has been teaching me more intensely the last couple of months.
I feel like, before I loved God - I was completely absorbed in planning my life out in order to capitalize on what would make life most enjoyable, beneficial and lucrative for me. I based my studies on this, did my job search based on this, made my friends based on this, and dated based on this - this concept of self-fulfillment. Oh, that job might be fulfilling but doesn't pay? No, thanks. That course of study doesn't fit into my 15 year plan? X. That man isn't good on paper? Definitely not marriage material.

The more that God saturates my life..........the more that I learn that it's really just not about me at all.
Now this may seem really dramatic and I should state for the record that these are lessons that I have been learning over and over - for years. I just feel like God has been really teaching me lately that I really do not have the license to make plans at all because it all belongs to Him.

This concept really simplifies my life on one hand - all that I am responsible for is being obedient and living in the moment. On the other hand it really freaks me out. There is no more tangible paradigm by which to define myself. No longer am I allowed to sink my identity into my career....my education........my friends.........just Him.

It's a great place to be.

So no more "Today for me.........maybe tomorrow for You." Today for You. Tomorrow for You. And everything for You.

VOWS

It’s as if my brain is on default plan mode

I made so many plans and tucked them away in my heart

Not even silly plans – I thought good plans and just continued to walk down the road

This is where Abba shows me the difference between contrived and art

Love to know what feels safe. Love to go down the road more traveled

Yet still yearning for intimacy and adventure and great mountains to climb

Always so frustrated and at the same time amused to watch my carefully detailed plans be completely unraveled

HE knows what is best. He knows the place. He knows the time.

Today marks a new day. Of redemption. Of healing. Of health. And of decision.

All my life. All the time. Whatever that may mean or call.

Lord all of my years of dedicated learning are absolutely nothing compared to Your size and wisdom

Humbly to my knees today I fall

My vows to You – my marriage – through it all I take You first and everything else after

My vows to You this day of redemption

My vows to You include the decimation of my plan and I promise to adjust to Your laughter

In You there is no condemnation

Day by day. Minute by minute. Living life in raw dependence on You

I know there is no sweeter place to be

From this day forth, Abba, may it be true

That we are married. You and me.