The Great Divide

I see You coming and I run the other way
I hide from the truths You want to write on the other side of my heart
When You look at me and ask me where I have been I just don't know what to say

Where can I hide from You? Where can I run where I don't hear the promptings in Your voice?
You push me to the very last edge of myself
I would love to believe that in these things my heart hasn't already made its choice
But long ago I said goodbye to that kind of wealth

My head hurts trying to figure out the details of Your master plan
And I can't. It doesn't make sense. It never makes sense!
Sometimes people look at me strangely and it causes me to wonder who I am
Somehow I think it was easier just riding the fence

I find myself more consumed with You and less directed by what my plan was
Yet I know one day soon I will wake up and find myself in awe of You and wondering once again how I ever felt like I knew You before
I guess that is just what God does
When you push away your boat from the shore

Obedience means saying yes even when it puts me in an awkward place
Walking forward without removing the blindfold from my eyes
Maybe risking embarrassment. Vulnerability. Exposure. Grace?
Inviting in the kind of access to my heart I sometimes despise.

Your dogged perseverance in my life has not gone unnoticed
I am overwhelmed by Your pursuit of me
Sometimes I get so frustrated, I am afraid I have missed
The point of Your serenity

Laying down, laying down, laying down and surrender
I'm not sure if it ever comes naturally
Perhaps one day, Abba Father, I will be overcome
By the bond that exists between You and me.

You are Mine and I am Thine

Reaching deep into that part of my soul that has long been covered by fear, anger and angst
Pop. Pound. Shiver. Speak. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. I'll hurt myself before you hurt me.
You tell me that I can have rest if I only gaze upon Your face
I can't seem to have faith in what I see

I can't live like this any longer - constantly fearful for the state of my heart
Constantly trying to manipulate, control, assume, imagine, and writhe beneath the unknown
Perhaps today I can let you in, capture my thoughts, have a new start
And You will be proud to see how much I have grown

Abba YOU are the author and the creator of my soul
How can I love You so much yet believe that You will hand me snakes?
Lay waste to my heart. Bear naked my soul. Pick out my seams. Make me whole.
Do whatever it takes.

I stare into the grand face of the great unknown
In every other area and most of the time I smile with glee
Yet, when it comes to my heart I want to see only the seeds that I am sown
I don't want anything that I can't see

Abba, forgive my short-sighted eyes and my faithless mind
Remove the hindrances that keep me far from You
I know You are faithful. You are true. You are wise. You are kind
It's me that just doesn't have a clue

Love me, Abba, with a love so fierce it removes my inward gaze
So I can love You and Yours
You are mine and I am thine and I want to see Your face through my selfish haze
Lord, let me walk through those doors.

My First Love

Head held high, chin thrust
Angry eyes smoldering
Rationalize what I think is fair and just
Take in what I think is worth holding

I hold his deceit close to my heart
As if he speaks truth about who I am
It take me a bit to circle back and restart
Remember that I am beloved...chosen...a part of YOUR plan

Wrestling with the conflicting parts of my souls choice
Not sure which side of me seeks out gain
I struggle to discern what I think is YOUR voice
And in the interim pas de bouree in the rain

Clearing a path for the path of least resistance is not a hard task
But clearing a path for the road of return on investment takes concerted effort
To be by my side is not too much to ask
Yet every time I reach for you all I can see is my hurt

I can feel the pain squeeze, drip, drop, deep inside my heart
And wonder where it was all of these years
Wonder why You must tear me apart
Reduce me to agonizing tears?

Intimacy belongs to You and You are my first love
You pick apart my heart to build it back around You
You see inside me a vast treasure trove
I see colors of a different hue

Lovely, lovely, lovely is the common refrain
And I fight with adjectives of my own
But You continue to advance far past my pain
And admire how much your child has grown.

Moving Along

Broken heart, broken soul, broken mind

I weep desperately to find solace in Your soul

You tell me to seek and you will find

When I am in this desperate place only You can make me whole

I long for You like I'm parched in need of water

I can't drink from man's well

When others want to lead me to slaughter

I buy what only You can sell

Broken body in need of redemption

In need of redemption in every way

Even in the best of circumstances I find myself a woman in need of correction

So I can learn to live for today

Search me and find me deserving of Your divine mentoring

Disciple me with Your wisdom, gentleness, and grace

Sometimes I find that what I'm seeking I'm not finding

But I always find what I need when I am looking at Your face

Holy, Beloved Savior reach deep into my heart

And see the parts that I don't even want to show

Perhaps grace is a good place to start

You love me even when I have to learn lessons that I already know

You are faithful to restore what the locusts have eaten

And I see Your mighty hand all around

Among the hurting, downtrodden and beaten

Your trumpet blows a mighty sound

Be victorious in my life and find my heart to be true

Aligned with Your spirit and Your song

Let You love in my life be the glue

To keep my feet moving along

Waste Not My Heart

Wouldn't it be easier if I could change you into the man I need you to be?
I wouldn't have to adust my thoughts and expectations or look at my pain
I wouldn't have to count backwards from three
I wouldn't have to stand outside in the pouring rain

I don't trust my instincts but neither do I trust you
And I'm not too sure about God either
I would love to move forward but really I have no idea how to pull through
The colors in my eyes have changed again and I can't stop long enough to take a breather

My heart will absolutely break waiting for you to prove me wrong
Yet at the same I time refuse to give you a chance
I'll sing the melody and the harmony to this same old song
My heart will die waiting for romance

Do you expect me to be more lovely and more temperate?
You may find me more cynical and less willing to believe
I'll sacrifice myself on the alter of those who are desperate
I'll stand for those who are unable to conceive

So I want you to be you to be the man that I need you to be
Even if that is not who you are
I feel inflexible and scared and unwilling to see
That you will never be more than subpar

In all of the chaos, in all of the noise
In my deepest desires I want to love you
It is probably true that if I had a choice
I would eventually choose to believe what is true

Abba, I think I am a hopeless case - a hopeless case and a wanderlust soul
I throw my heart to the wolves
Protect me, engage me, and make me whole
Waste not my heart to a fool

Heart Attached to Body

“There is no safe investment. To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell.” 
― C.S. Lewis, The Four Loves

My heart is attached to my body

I wish it were not

I wish I could separate. I wish I could breathe. I wish I felt differently - solid and not wishy washy

It would be different if I were sure and not caught

My heart is attached and I cannot run free

I can not disengage from my soul

Perhaps this is how it is really supposed to be

Supposed this is how it feels to be whole

For so long my heart was not attached to my body - it belonged to the bitterness of experience

Today is not that day

How does one move to the glorious from the nefarious?

From the land of play or pay?

My heart is now attached to my body and the directive is to open my heart

What will you do when lay down my arms?

When you see in my eyes that I am struggling against my soul

Or will you try to run over me with your charms?

Is it possible for me to jump off the beaten path

That I have been following for my entire life?

May I make a trade for love in exchange for my wrath?

Take and orchid for my knife?

Will you protect my heart in my moment of weakness

If just for a moment I let my walls come down?

If I choose truth and rest

Is it possible that you will stick around?

What Colors, What Hue

Walking forward and ahead
First instinct may not be correct
You say come to Me and I'll carry your burden instead
My yoke is easy and my intentions are never suspect

Making a decision to cut off the demons of my past
you may no longer walk next to me and feed me lies
Sometimes the connections forged so fast
Can be the longest lasting goodbyes

You say I know you and treasure you from the inside out
Why on earth would I choose lust over love
May I stand on Your promises even when my soul is wracked with doubt?
With Your mighty hand will You trace my tattoo of a dove?

May I find sanctuary in Your holy presence?
This world whirls around me at a frenzied, histrionic pace
When things are moving and just don't make sense
Lord all I want to see is Your face

Just root my heart in all that is You
So I can find a solid place to call home
I have no idea what is next - what colors You will paint my life - not even what hue
But I cling desperately to Your Throne